BOUNDARIES: How to Gain Clarity without Keeping People Out

I think it's so important that we figure out what holds us back so we can start doing the things that really make a difference in our lives so we can fulfill the measure of our creation. 

Even if we have to come from a place of having to hold boundaries with people, this blog is about holding boundaries when we have toxic relationships. 

On the butterfly principle, I mentioned the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships; if you want more clarity on that one, go back and listen to episode 13. 

In this blog, we'll clarify what boundaries are for. 

People often use boundaries against one another, and that's not what they're for. 

Yes, they're for toxic relationships. 

If there are people who are slightly unhealthy emotionally and mentally, or they're really unhealthy emotionally and mentally, then we will need boundaries for sure.

If we want to keep those relationships and keep you out of toxicity, right? 

Often, when you're rubbing shoulders with people who are unboundaried themselves, they're really annoyed that you might have some. 

This blog will also help you strengthen those boundaries for the right reasons. Anything that causes us to be emotionally or mentally drained is extra effort that's not needed. 

If we spend unnecessary energy to keep people out, we will be more tired. Heaven knows we don't need to be more exhausted or overwhelmed, right? 

This blog will help you in many ways. 

First, we'll save some negative energy and turn it into positive energy. 

Second, we'll help others get clear on our personal expectations for the relationship. 

Boundaries: I like to compare boundaries to road lines. 

We don't have to drive down the road in our car with great big walls on both sides of us so that we won't crash into each other. 

Instead, we have these cute little dotted lines or sometimes double lines down the middle of the road. 

Everybody is able to actually stay on their own side. 

There are those moments when people aren't paying attention, but those of us who get driver's licenses know the rules of the road. 

Everybody's interested in keeping the rules of the road because it's for your own safety, right? 

That's what boundaries are. They're basically keeping everybody safe, even the ones that drive cars without driver's licenses. 

Those are the toxic people. Those are the unhealthy ones. They don't know the rules of the road. That's why they're just kind of willy-nilly being wild and crazy.   

Our job is to follow the rules of the road. 

Clearly, you have to know what the rules look like on your own end, or it would take a lot of work to be boundaried. 

Boundaries look a lot like having mutual respect. 

When somebody says they can't make it and you start begging them to make it to an event, that's unboundaried. That's not taking their first answer. 

It's not showing respect for their wishes, and vice versa.

If you're ever like, oh man, I can't make it. Somebody else that you don't want to be mean to them, and you don't want to shut them out completely. Maybe they're a family member. 

You're still trying to keep the relationship up and up, and they're not respecting your boundaries; that's when you need these tools to realize they're driving a car without a driver's license. 

They didn't study and don't know the rules of the road, so that's okay, as long as they don't crash into my car. 

Some of us were like, we don't want them to crash into anyone's car, but clearly, we don't have the control to protect everyone, right? 

Actually, decide to have others see these unboundaried people the way you want them to be seen. Does that make sense? 

Therefore, boundaries are doing what's within your control. 

Having clear boundaries, understanding the road rules you want to follow, and realizing that you can't control anybody else's driving habits are essential. 

You can't make them see somebody else's driving habits. You can only be in charge of yourself. You have control over and understand the rules that you want to follow.

That is what you have the power to change, okay? 

As you're driving down the road, you're not like, oh, I'm just, I'm going to go five miles an hour just in case somebody isn't paying attention and they cross the middle line and ram into my car. 

You're not protecting yourself. 

Boundaries are not for promoting hindrance or lack of momentum in your own life. 

You're not worried about other people going in the opposite direction and opposing the direction you're going in, right? 

You're not putting resistance out there saying, oh my gosh, I'm so annoyed that those people are driving on the other side of the road and they're not going in the same direction I am, right? 

That's probably why you need boundaries. 

You need boundaries if you're upset about what somebody else is doing and they're not on your speedometer when you're actually paying attention to the speed limit in your lane. 

If you're like, oh my gosh, here comes that blue car again, and you like swerve, you're like, I'm going to make them slow down, I'm going to force them off the road, I'm going to make them do something else, that's you needing a boundary, right? 

I'm not talking in the literal sense because none of us do that on the road because we know it can end in death, right? We're not talking about literally driving on the road; we are talking about what we do when interacting with other people. 

We're talking about our behavior, their behavior, learned behavior, and condition behavior; we're talking about how to stay in your lane. 

When you stay in your own lane, you're managing yourself, the thing you have power over, right? We're managing your understanding. 

We're not pointing fingers at other people's like, oh man, they're driving a blue car, blue sucks, I like black cars. We're not focusing on other people and their actions in the other lane. 

We're not even focused on what other people are doing behind us and whether or not they're breaking the speed limit, going too slow, driving with smoke coming out their tailpipe, or driving a super old car that could be a hazard to everybody else on the road. 

We're managing only some of the things that we can't change at the moment. 

We do a lot of brain damage like that in our lives and people that we cannot change. 

Boundaries are just as much for you as they are for somebody else. 

The lane you're in, you need to manage yourself. Right? 

We can only go zipping across lanes if we check in our mirrors. Right? 

We have to play by the rules of the road and regulate our speed according to the amount of traffic—the same thing. 

You have to regulate yourself in your life. You have to stay in your lane. 

Usually, when things are going rather smoothly, you can go 80 miles an hour, and you're not freaking out. 

Can you imagine back in the day when they first came out with the automobile? Have you ever seen those old movies where they didn't really have road rules yet?

Everybody's like, look at me, I got a new motor car. They're like, turning, hoping somebody doesn't hit them because nobody knows what yield means yet. 

There's no such thing as a stop sign. There are just intersections, and people are all, you know, running bumper to bumper, and they could really only go three miles an hour. Like, they were going very slow. 

Nobody was getting anywhere super fast because the chance of running into somebody was high.

The reason we have boundaries is so that we can gain momentum in the direction we want to go. 

We're staying focused. We have a destination. 

We're going from point A to point B. 

We can do it at 80 miles an hour without fear of running into somebody, and the people on your side of the road, whether they're driving the way you want them to drive, fast or slow, cutting people off, not using their blinker, whatever, you don't get to manage that. 

That's not yours. It's wasted energy. 

But you can keep the boundaries that you need to keep by driving to your destination and following the rules of the road to the best of your ability. 

That is the equivalent of not letting other people in your life pull you off course. 

It's the equivalent of not being worried that other people aren't doing what you want them to do for their own sake, for their health, for the sake of what you want them to do, or for the potential you see in them and who they could become if they would just change X, Y, and Z. 

It takes a lot of energy, and it is exhausting. 

The most important thing you can do is just sit back and relax, monitor your speed, and know that you will still reach your destination, staying in your own lane. 

Focus on your goals, helping yourself get from point A to point B because when you get to point B, you're like, nailed it. I'm there. 

I didn't get pulled off. I didn't get other people to cut me off or push me off the road. 

My energy was focused. It was like, oh, there's somebody having a hard time, and he's gunning it, and he's revving his engine, and it's like, okay, that's okay. They can have a hard time. 

I'm still going to where I want to go. 

But if we're off in the weeds because we're just so focused on the idiot that's driving too fast, or the idiot that's trying to cut me off or the idiot that's not bling thinking like you are the one that suffers. 

You've expended energy out the window, and it's negative energy, so what you focus on actually grows. Did you know that? 

Your energy expands. 

That's why boundaries are important—you must have a boundary in your mind about what you will and won't spend your energy on. 

If you're like, yep, not going to let the non-blinker guy in front of me bother me. It's like, oh, he's not using his blinker, okay. 

But you use your blinker if you believe that you're the kind of person who would use your blinker and notify people around you of your intentions to switch lanes or turn the corner, right?

That's you seeing in your lane. Can't manage somebody else's blinker, but you can manage your own. 

Oftentimes, when we're the ones who need the boundaries, we're not using our blinkers, but we're judging other people for not using their blinkers. 

There's still work to be done in our own lane and manage our own blinker, right? Turning on your headlights when it gets dark or making sure you use your side mirrors so that you don't change lanes and push somebody off the road. 

There's plenty of stuff to be managed on the road. 

But oftentimes, unboundaried mindsets are geared towards wanting to manage everyone else's driving around them even though you're all going in the same direction. 

That's what you can do to manage your mindset around boundaries and catch yourself having negative emotions or negative thoughts about people around you, people in your life, people in your house. 

When you're spending negative energy, you are not keeping the rules of your own road. 

You need a boundary around what you think about to stay focused on your mental goals. 

Say you're going down the road, and you're just minding your own business, and everything is going great, and you're 80 miles an hour, and you're not even worried about having a crash, and it's just that life is good. 

Then, suddenly, out of nowhere, somebody else crosses the line. You're like, see your life flash before your eyes, and you're suddenly swerving, and it's scary, right? 

When other people try to impede our happiness, intervene on our pathway, slow our momentum, cause us to swerve, take another route, or even be scared for our lives, we need boundaries. 

Boundaries aren't big walls. 

They're not to keep those people out but to inform them about our expectations.

If somebody habitually crosses the center line and threatens your happiness, you must let them know you're not available for that. 

Are you doing it with anger? Did you hear my voice? Am I yelling, screaming? No. 

You're just going to be you, the person who's easygoing, who likes to stay in their lane and have a happy journey. 

You're telling them that crossing the center line is unacceptable.

As an example, your mother is ill, she's home, she's very needy, she's not really following doctor's orders, she's not really taking her medication the way she should. 

She has a habit of impeding your schedule and demanding that you come over and help her when it's really not convenient for you, but you do it because it's your mother.

You're supposed to be nice; no one else will help her. 

She's toxic to everyone, so you do it. Go, and this is just a habit. 

So you're unboundary, right? 

You're unboundary in your own thoughts because it just drives you crazy because she's really not helping herself. 

She wants you to care more about her problems than she does. 

That she's not following the doctor's orders, that she's not doing all these things, and now you're getting mad, and you're expending your energy, and you've got nowhere for this to go. 

You guys have it out, and you're yelling, and you don't let it out till you have a meltdown because somebody else asks you to do something that wasn't on your schedule and in your plans, and you've just had it. 

You're tired of everybody taking advantage of you.  You're tired of being in the doormat. 

When those kinds of things happen, the demands that other person is making and you giving up your plans to meet their demands, those are both boundaries being crossed, and now you're crashing into each other. 

You're literally crossing the line. You're crossing into their lane.

They're crossing into yours because that energy, that scary, negative energy, is happening. 

That's when it's important for you to say listen, I can't make it on Wednesday, but on Tuesday, I can come over and help you out for an hour or two. 

That is a boundary. That offers everyone clarity. 

Did you have to be angry? Did you need to feel put upon? Did you need to dredge resentment because she always takes advantage of you? Nope. 

You didn't have to do any of those things. 

Instead, you could speak with clarity because it's as easy as saying the speed limit is 80 or the speed limit is 45. 

It's as easy as saying see those dotted lines in the middle of the road? 

Those are to keep you on your side, where you'll be comfortable and happy going in a different direction than I'm going. 

It's as easy as saying see those double lines. 

You don't want to pass my car, and I don't want to pass your car when the lines are double. 

That gives everybody clarity, does it not? 

Signs on the road that tell you how far it is to your destination, signs on the road that tell you how fast you can go in any particular segment of the road, signs that understand simple stuff like the dotted line. 

You can pass on a dotted line; you cannot pass on a double line. Right, yellow lines, white lines, dotted lines, solid lines- they all have information, and we don't have to get up in anybody's business, usually about the rules of the road. 

It's the same thing if you're working with toxic people that they say can you come to babysit my kids for a little bit on Saturday and you're like I can give you a couple of hours on Saturday, and they're like, great. 

Then, how about nine to three? You're like, no, I don't have six hours; I have two. I can give you two hours. 

They're like, well, that's not going to work because I need somebody who's going to stay here and watch my kids the whole time that I'm off playing. 

You don't have to be upset. You don't have to get mad. You don't have to judge them. 

You can simply say I have two hours to give you on Saturday. 

Would you like those at the beginning or at the end of this babysitting need that you have? 

Does it set a boundary? Yes. Does it hold them to your expectation that they'll hear your boundary? Yes. Will they figure it out? Maybe, maybe not, but that's not your problem. 

If they choose not to use your services or accept your gift of two hours out of your life, then they could figure out something else, and it's not your job to worry about it. 

You don't have to take responsibility for other people's emotional reactions. 

If we are unboundaried, if we've had struggles with boundaries, it's probably because we were taught at some point in our life that we are responsible for other people's emotional well-being. 

We're responsible for their reactions and for their responses. 

Sometimes, we work really hard to get them to respond in positive ways. 

We want them to be happy with us. 

We want them to do what we want them to do in their schedule so they'll come to help us, or we want them to accept that we have limited time and can't fulfill the entire request they're making of us. 

All of that requires boundaries, but none of it will require heavy, energetic expenditures in anger and negativity. 

We can do it all on the positive. 

We can use the power of our voice to be able to make ourselves heard and get clear. We can use the power of our voice even to say, I'm sorry, I have not really heard you say what you need for you, and I would like to make amends. 

When you tell me you don't have time, I get it. I won't ask more of you in the future like that is healing. 

It is so helpful for everyone involved to repair relationships when you own your own stuff and understand that your boundaries were needed just as much as theirs or that boundaries were brand new and introduced to you and your family.

This is your new way of being. 

You like, you know what? I don't need to announce anything to them; I will just start acting as though I have boundaries. 

I have boundaries around my own thoughts and the things that I have to change within myself, and I also have boundaries with them, but none of them require you to block someone. 

None of it requires you to be angry with someone. 

We were conditioned to believe we had to raise our voices and drop the hammer. That's not true. 

We can be boundaries, and we can also excuse people out of our lives, and we can thank them. 

Thank them for teaching me what I don't want so I can go do what I do want. 

Episode 13 was about the butterfly principle. We can thank them for what they've taught us. 

We don't have to include unboundary people in our lives. 

We don't have to include people who are toxic to us and cause us to veer off our path and become unboundaried in our thoughts. 

We have choices and personal power, and we must learn how to use the rules of the road to our benefit. 

No anger, no road rage. Right? 

We can be happy, easy-going people and get from point A to point B without any deviation at all. 

But that's what boundaries are, people; they give you clarity and direction and help you stay focused on the direction you said you wanted to go. 

Now, it's time to get busy living and enjoying your life. 

Note: You can access the full blog content in audio versions on Spotify and YouTube. Happy listening! 🎧

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