This is a blog about where you place your value. 

Sometimes, it gets misplaced. Ask me how I know. 

My life has just been one long string of identifying what I value. 

Sometimes, we place the highest value on getting attention in a negative way, and sometimes, we place our value in getting attention positively. 

There's a well-known video out there. I think that in the psychology world, at least, they experimented with a child and a mother. 

In this video, the mother has her child in a car seat, comfortably strapped in, sitting on the table, and giving this child all the comfort and good cues.

When you're the blurriness wears off, you see a smiling face because parents are smiling at you. 

We work hard our whole lives to get that smile. We value that smile. 

We really place a high value on getting approval, getting attention, and getting love. 

That is where we get our sense of self. That's where we get our sense of worth. 

In this video, the mother is just doing exactly that. 

This baby is probably a year old enough to know that mama's smile is highly rewarding, feels good, and means all is well and the relationship is in a good place. 

This mother is just cooing and talking to the baby, and this baby doesn't have words. 

The baby's cooing, smiling, being cute, and being animated, pointing to the toe, and the mom is like, " Oh, look at your toes. Look, you just little toes. The baby's smiling and really interacting. 

Then, the experiment goes to a blank face. 

The mother turns around, and when she returns to the child, her face is blank. 

She's not frowning. She's not smiling. She's just not reacting at all. 

The baby continues to try to be cute, smiles, points at the toes, and realizes that the rewards are not coming. 

The baby is like, but my greatest, highest value at the moment is getting that smile and having the interaction that makes me feel like our relationship is good and fine and all is well. 

The baby then starts to get a little concerned, and the baby's not smiling anymore. 

Then, the baby gets really upset, and it does whatever it has to get attention, even if it's negative. 

So the baby is like crying and screaming and trying to get, turn away from the mother and get out of the car seat and struggle and be upset. 

You can tell the baby is distraught and the mother is not playing by the rules. 

The rules of engagement are: I smile, you smile, or you smile, I smile. 

The mother is not responding according to the rules, so the baby is now trying to get the mother's attention negatively. 

The baby is reacting, and not in a good way. Then, the mother turns around. 

Once again, and then comes back smiling and interacting according to the rules. 

The baby calms down and stops. It looks at the mother's face and realizes she's back. She's playing by the rules. 

The baby's like, okay, what a relief. Calms down and then takes a second to get back into the groove.

Then, pretty soon, with the mother's calm and kind voice and appropriate responses to the baby wanting to interact, the baby smiles and wipes the tears off and the baby's back. 

We learned that a smile is the most rewarding thing because it makes us feel good. It makes us feel like we are good. 

That is where we learned about the self in the early stages. 

Now, in my personal experience in my life, my mother did smile at me in the beginning. 

As time went on, she stopped smiling more. There was a lot of contention in her life. 

Her marriage was very tumultuous to my father.

They had their moments; they had good times. 

Some pleasant stuff happened sometimes, but most of it was unpleasant and hard. Understanding what I valued was part of my conditioning, and I worked so hard for the smile because that was my highest value.

I believe we are all happy individuals. 

We are joy. We are love. We are kind and generous. We are goodness. 

When things in life do not respond according to that higher value, we react poorly. 

We start kicking and screaming against the things we think are supposed to support our goodness, love, and connection. We want to play by the rules without contrast. 

We tend to resist. We don't want hard stuff. We don't like the difficulties that come along and resist them. We don't act great around them. 

Does that make sense?

It's not supposed, like, you have a miscarriage. You're not supposed to be happy about it. That's not what I'm saying.

The point is that acceptance, value on acceptance, value on self-acceptance, that you are still valuable. Even when contrast happens, sometimes we put ourself in the middle of that.

That's part of the pain, like I did something wrong. 

The baby didn't grow. I did something wrong, and I was punished for the blessing I was seeking. 

The universe is not responding with a smile at the moment. 

We go inward. 

But where do we go inward? Do we stay with ourselves? Because that is a healthy response. 

If the baby had the emotional maturity to say, oh, mom's having a hard time, it's not about me at all. 

Mom's just not responding and that's okay. I'll just wait for her to respond when she's able. That would be the baby really understanding its own worth. 

But because a baby's still learning its own worth, we are babies in a lot of ways. 

If we didn't get that story from our parents, the people that we trusted to give us information about our true worth, because they were in pain, we struggled.

Then, we found ways to get attention, be validated, be seen, heard, and matter in some regard in negative ways. 

If we value getting those things because we lack or perceive them within ourselves, we're probably lashing out and not acting great. 

We're not proud of it. It doesn't feel good. It's not really who we are. 

It's going against the things that we said we are or would like to be. It prevents good stuff from coming into our lives. 

Everything seems to crash and burn. 

Just a general overstatement, but sometimes we're like, everything's burning down, and I hate it, we call that drama. 

When those things happen, it is only because we don't see and we don't value our worth, regardless of what's happening around us or the other people who are having a hard time or might be having a moment. 

They may not be having a hard life, but they may be having a moment. They may be having a period in their life, and that is, they're trying to figure out how to be a cooperative component, too, which is what our last episode was about. 

What are you valuing? Are you valuing outside feedback to make you feel good about yourself? Are you valuing yourself that you have value? 

That you are worthy of all the good stuff and you're not waiting for other people to do that for you. That is the distinctive difference. 

Where am I placing my value? Am I placing my value in mulling over the past and the hurt and the hard times? Am I getting attention in a negative way? Am I trying to find value because I've had problems? Or is my value in learning from them and then doing good things because of them? 

Going forward and taking my life in a new direction, in a better direction, that I can look in the mirror and smile back at myself. That's the smile I've been working for. Wow, right?

When I open these blog, you have to know I had no intention. Let's talk about value and see where that goes. 

I have no script in front of me, and that's, you can tell, and I don't edit out my ums and my fluffy talk because this is raw and just coming up. 

Whoever is listening to this, like the timing of you hearing this and the timing of me recording it, it is always perfect timing. 

It may be time for you to value yourself regardless of outside influences.

 I did not plan to say that, but that's what just came up. 

Let's go with it. 

We are placing value on other people's opinions of you. 

It's just a misperception of the value that you placed on your mother's smile or your father's smile. 

Usually, it's the parent that you struggled to get their approval of most. 

If you worked really hard to get your father's approval, he's the one that you decided his smile was the most important thing. 

You're going to work hard to get him to smile at you because then it would mean you were good, had value, and were worthy. 

Maybe it was your mom. 

I worked so freaking hard to get my mom's approval, to get her to smile at me, to make her proud, to get her to say anything. 

But if you're working hard to get something from somebody emotionally, you are overworking because that is not your purpose.

Love is who you are. It's what you do. It's how you live. 

If you allow it, if you value it, it will not come to you from an external source, even though that is how it was taught to you. 

It's nice to have other people's approval, but if that is the only way you're finding your personal value, then it is misplaced. 

Usually, I would have to say that this is just from my observance, my perceptions, and my experiences in life, the people that are like, wow, I want to be like you the way you are. 

You may have gotten that way, but I'm going to follow you. Those people, yeah, they're the ones that are indifferent, if you will, to the outside approval.

They're like, I love what I'm doing. I love what I'm about. I love the curiosity I have. I love the playfulness that I interact with other people with. I love that my ability to be energized, energetic, healthy, well, um, inspired. 

Those are the people that were like, wow, but their reasonable opinion of themselves is different from outside approval. 

They are not living to get the next smile. They're not living to have you tell them they're lovely. 

You literally can't say anything to them that they don't already know about themselves. 

You go to them and say, you're amazing. You're just wonderful. 

They're gracious and humble and say thank you, but they don't need it. They already know because they did the work.

I know some people who were like, man, you're lucky you had good parents. 

Because they had good parents and family values, they got along with their siblings, valued one another, and knew their worth. 

I am continually working on that story in me every day because my conditioning is really strong.

I was not valued. 

In fact, when given the opportunity, it was used in front of me to hurt one parent to the other. 

One parent would say, well, you didn't even want Teresa. I'm like, hello, I'm sitting right here. It's like, oh my gosh. Okay. That's them. 

They're throwing darts at each other, swinging swords, and trying to hurt one another in the heart. That's okay. 

They can do that all they want. They have free agency. It's not really about me. 

I've had to conclude that my life was about discovering that my parents' pain was theirs and that I don't have to carry that pain forward. 

Their pain is not my pain. Their emergency wasn't my emergency. 

They were like, we need you to change and be a good girl in public, so everybody thinks we're good parents. Woo, codependent, alert, alert.

 I grew up with that, but I was like, you know what? No, but I will say that I parented very much like that. 

My parenting days were not necessarily proud days, but since then, I've been able to focus on myself, and doing the inner work, I have been able to say, you know what? 

My parent's pain was theirs. That's not my pain. 

If I'm acting like I still am in pain because I'm trying to get attention or find my worth in my problems living in the past, how hard my life was, the struggles I've overcome, you know, how far I've come. 

If that's where I'm finding my self-importance, it is misplaced.

I'm valuing the struggle too highly and not enough on my true worth, which is breathing.

My true worth is just that I have a body and interact with the world in a way that brings me joy. I am curious, connected, and creative in my life. 

You know what's interesting? 

I'm just going to share this as a side note, and maybe we'll do an episode on it: when I feel unable to express myself creatively, I get tonsillitis. Every single time! 

It's not conscious until the sore throat shows up, and then I'm like, oooookay, what are you doing, Teresa? What is the problem this time? How are you trying to get something from other people to make yourself feel validated?

That is a question, and you got to look yourself in the eyes. 

I'm telling you that nobody else can solve this for me. This is me going all right. 

When did you tell yourself that you were stuck? When did you find value in repeating that idea in your mind? 

If you're feeling stuck, that is because you focused on and internalized something, and now you're sick. 

Congratulations. You did it again. 

Honestly, that's not who I am. I am creative, happy, gregarious, enthusiastic, and optimistic. I'm like, woof, I was working against myself.

I have learned that having tonsillitis has affected me my whole life. 

I know I could have my tonsils removed. It might solve all my problems, but it's a huge indicator, like physical dysfunction or dis-ease in your body is a sign that you're working against yourself. 

I have identified when I trapped that thought, when I started to focus on it, and how I got it so deeply ingrained in me that I needed to be creative to be valued.

I needed to be in the creative mode to be accepted and validated, which is not true because if you're just valid and valued because you breathe when you're born and take your first breath, everybody cheers; it's like she's alive. 

The doctor's like, oh, you have a healthy baby girl. Everybody's happy and relieved when you take a breath.

Literally, your value lies in the fact that you have a body and you're breathing. 

If I'm ever like, oh my gosh, I gotta go do this side thing that I didn't plan on doing because somebody else needs my help, and I know I have to give up my time and where I was at and my personal growth because I can't be creative. I get a sore throat. 

Why? Because it's not true. 

My value didn't go anywhere. My value is in stone, and I can't undo it. 

When I try to misplace it, hide it, or get something from other people so that I feel good about myself, I get a sore throat. Isn't that funny? 

You may have had those experiences. You may get like a pain in your ass. You might have a catch in your hip. You might have had this stiff neck show up out of nowhere. 

You're like, I don't know. I didn't even do anything. 

I'm telling you when something happens, and it just goes, pshhh. You're like, what, why is my body breaking down? There's a reason. 

This is my experience with all my clients and the things that we have worked on together and their solutions and their outcomes and their results where they're like, Oh my gosh, I didn't know how good this could get. 

I work with people who lost 20 pounds, and we never talked about exercise or diet—not once. Nor did they pick up a routine that would have burned calories more. 

They literally let go of the stress about what they were thinking about because they placed their value in its rightful spot in their breathing.

Why do you think people are always talking about meditation? Just meditate. 

I've learned that I don't actually have to sit still for hours on end to meditate. 

The driving in the car, going for a walk, and riding my bike is meditation because I'm listening to my breath. I'm like, there it is. I'm valuable. I'm taking a breath in, taking a breath out. 

I don't have to prove myself to anybody. I am valued—end of the story.

I'm the only one who undoes it. 

Nobody else can take my value away unless I give them that power. 

Again, these things happen based on our conditioning, perceptions, station in life, and what we think other people have that we lack. 

There are two forms of thought: what is wanted and the absence of what is wanted. 

If we focus on what we think we lack, we are misplacing our true value. 

Our true value is being present, and when we can be present and own who we are, regardless of outside influence or who's smiling at us or who's approving of us or who's validating us, or who can see our goodness, that we can do that for ourselves. 

Only a little will throw you off track after that—very little. 

That doesn't mean we're going to have it perfect. That doesn't mean we're always going to have it figured out, that we're going to get it done on any level ever, because we are human beings. 

We are always in a growth pattern. We're always searching for more. 

What used to be satisfying suddenly wasn't that we got a better job, we made more money, we got a different relationship, or we changed our belief system.

We've always done better for ourselves. 

When we are doing that, we are in alignment with our true value, our real worth. That is an inside job. It doesn't come from anybody else. 

Where are you placing your value? Inside or outside of you? Where is your value coming from? 

That is the most important thing for you to identify. That is what you do and how you do it every day: you increase the efforts you're putting out there and the energy you're expending. 

Are you tired? Are you exhausted? Because if you are, you're probably expending your energy in someplace other than where it belongs, which is within you, with you. 

Keep that sacred. Your value is sacred. 

Don't give it away. Don't give other people the power to judge you. 

What they think of you is none of your business. 

What other people accomplish in their lives, what they own, or what they have that you don't is none of your business. 

Focus on you. 

You are the one you've been waiting for, and depending on your values, you can smile at yourself in the mirror. 

That's the only thing that's ever going to count at the end of the day. 

It's time to get loving, get living. 

Note: You can access the full blog content in audio versions on Spotify and YouTube. Happy listening! 🎧

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